Reflecting/Analyzing my love life after watching a movie....

I haven`t been doing much with my life. I felt even worst because it`s been ages since I really sat down to watch a movie. I was listening to Chara while I was doing homework and happened to actually watch one of the videos. "Hebi Ni Piasu (Snakes and Earrings)" was that video and it wasn`t very easy to find the actual movie online but I did.

 

"Have you ever seen a split tongue?" A man asks her, poking out his forked tongue like that of a snake. While living together with that man, Ama, Lui has a relationship with a sadistic tattoo artist, Shiba. She pierces her tongue, gets a tattoo and becomes absorbed in body modification. Pain and ecstasy, violence and death, passionate love and despair...

Lui (Yuriko Toshitaka) is nineteen years old, beautiful, bored and unmotivated. When she meets Ama (Kengo Kora) in a bar, she finds herself mesmerized by his forked tongue and moves in with him and has her own tongue pierced. Determined to push her boundaries further, she asks Ama`s friend Shiba (Arata) to design an exquisite tattoo for her back. But what Shiba demands as payment for the tattoo leads Lui into a brutal and explicit love triangle like no other. Then, after a violent encounter on the backstreets of Tokyo, Ama vanishes and Lui must face up to the reality of her life..."

Arata, he plays Shiba the Sadistic lover.  Is it bad that I think he`s SO FDKHFKDSHFKDSJHFKJHFKDJHF with all the piercings and no hair vs the closest to normal pic I could find with his face fully visible?

 

Again DLKLKAJDAKJFHDKJFHAK. Kengo Kora plays Ama, Lui`s main man.  His character is pretty innocent and a bit clingy. Piercings are my guilty pleasure but I think he`s an IKEMEN either way.

  

After watching this movie I want to piercings and tattoos everywhere.. (Needles TT.TT)

Anyway my life is nothing like this movie it just felt like it at certain points. Especially the need to modify myself and the love triangle (possibly a square) with these people with completely different personalities. In high school I had a tendency to attract all the creepers and a few nice guys. But I had so many issues with my self-esteem and my family so I stayed away from relationships religiously.

There were a few times where I caved in to really good friends (3 times)  I tried to be close to someone but nothing ever lasted more than a day, a few weeks or months at the most. I`d pull away and isolate myself because of my own flaws. Why?  Even though it wasn`t anything full-blown, I`ve always had hikikkomori tendencies.

Hikikomori (ひきこもり or 引き籠もり, Hikikomori^?, literally "pulling away, being confined", i.e., "acute social withdrawal") is a Japanese term to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive people who have chosen to withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement because of various personal and social factors in their lives. In Western terminology this group may include individuals suffering from social phobia or social anxiety problems. This could also be due to agoraphobia, avoidant personality disorder or painful or extreme shyness.

While many people feel the pressures of the outside world, hikikomori react by complete social withdrawal. In some cases, they lock themselves in a room for prolonged periods, sometimes measured in years. They usually have few, if any, friends.While hikikomori favor indoor activities, some venture outdoors on occasion.^[2] The withdrawal from society usually starts gradually. Affected people may appear unhappy, lose their friends, become insecure, shy, and talk less.

I only went to school and rarely went anywhere else unless I was forced or really needed to. All of my friends are people who approached me, most of which were persistent enough to weasel their way into my life and grew on me. The people that thought they got any further than friendship only thought so. I wanted to give boyfriend/girlfriend relationships a try so bad that I pressured myself and let others pressure me into them.

I think it was all the anime, manga, love songs and Asian dramas I drowned myself in. I wanted to love and be loved, to have that flawed but still so perfect love if that makes any sense. I recently ended one of my tries. At the end of Senior Year I thought I was ready and that I loved myself enough but by the time summer hit, I didn`t feel the same way and he was just as timid as me so we drifted . But before we tried I told him that I didn`t get attached to people easily and it most likely wouldn`t work. Although I ended it I`m not sure if it`s over in his mind but we have no choice but to cross paths since we share a best friend.

Another I met by chance 3yrs ago on the Internet (I know,,,). I don`t typically allow people from the Internet into my life but he was persistent. I admit it worked enough to keep him in my life for 3 years (this year) but as much as I try to explain to him that we may not even really like each other if we met, he`s in his own little world but I do feel a sense of loyalty to him because of how much he worries and cares about me.

Then there`s the one I just met, genuine, athletic, always trying to take care of me when we`re together and he wants a relationship. If I sent him a text right now he`d be here in less than an hour, it`s tempting enough to make me cave in again. He actually sent me a text a few days ago and wants to see a movie soon since we haven`t seen each other recently. ;.;

I`m stuck between these two but knowing my own ways I know things would be hard if not impossible. And like anyone put into a situation like this I`m afraid to make the wrong choice and be the one who doesn`t realize what I had until it`s gone. I honestly believe the women in my family weren`t meant to fall in love. Very few have proven this wrong ( Seriously, I can recall only 1 in the closest generation).

Most of all, I was one of those little girls who wanted to be be daddy`s little girl so bad that I believed it and because of that I was hurt by my father growing up and I`m hurt by the presence of men for the rest of my life and now I struggle with love.

But still I wish love was easy....

Ready to start things off right....

School is almost here and break is almost over.I planned on catching up with all the people I haven`t seen but a lot of them have already gone back to school Still I haven`t really done anything except work for my mom and bum around the house.  And if I plan on doing anything at all I have to catch up on all the school work I ignored.

My last post was about the first time I tried Banba makeup. When my little sister saw me she said my nose was ashy .Then she took her finger and drew a straight line right down the middle of her face XD I DIED!!!!

I posted my pics on FB for B*C to critique and  before break is over I really want to get all the make up I need. I`m too lazy to retrace my steps so here`s a recap of me pointing out what I did and the flaws I know are in my make up:

Kevi: "Yea it is very beginner. I`m still very new to using make up in general and this is my first time trying to do very basic banba makeup. When I started putting my make up on I... didn`t plan on doing this (long story not needed). I didn`t use anything for reference since it was spur of the moment, I just played around until I got determined to actually practice.

Me: "I usually just stick to crème and liquid eyeliner and I`ve only used white one other time on the bottom part of my eyes. I don`t have a lot of money so I`m missing things like foundation, blush and concealor but as soon as I save up I want to go shopping with you all so I can stop blowing what I do have on the wrong stuff.

I used a white autoliner pencil around my eyes. I did the nose stripe with eyeshadow (it`s actually the avon Tomo gave me awhile back… but that`s why it has a little shimmer/shine to it).

I don`t know if it shows but I tried to do a little contouring with a dark brown shadow but it probably isn`t good since I didn`t know how and I winged it.

I have lashes I got off of ebay but I didn`t use them because I don`t know how. TT.TT I usually get glue everywhere and the lash ends up glued to the center of my eyelid. I have a practice pair that were a little sticky from when I pilled them off and I tried with those. They looked horrible so I took them off. But I`m practicing with them.

I also have the bronzer Tomo gave me I just don`t know what to do with it >_<

I learn a lot of things hands on because I`m RETARDED when it comes to using pictures and following directions (I`m serious you`ll hate me after awhile) but I`ll try to apply the advice everyone gave. =]"

All of thee above is true. The girls pretty much said a lot of the things I already knew and a little more.

Things to work on:

★Ending my nosestripe right (Around my brows) and possibly more blending

★Shortening the whiteliner on the top lid

★Learn how to apply falsies (lashes)

★More 'droopy' eye line on the bottom eye lid

★Learn to contour

★(opt.) highlight from brow bone to the crease of my eye

★Buy the rest of my makeup (foundation, blush, bronzer, lip color, etc)

★Anything else?

I hope I can recreate and build off of this look. I`m afraid that when school starts I`ll become unmotivated or won`t be able to get up on time to do my makeup but I`ll try.

WISH ME LUCK!!!!

Motivation out of the strangest places....

I seriously feel that way about a lot of my friends. It probably started around high school when everyone pretty much went to the same school except me. I can understand that they saw each other ever day so naturally they grew close but whenever they planned something I was neve informed.  I`d hear them talk about it on the rare occasions when they did include me or I`d see pictures on FaceBook.

Over the past few years, I`d always throw parties around my birthday in an attempt to keep us all together. Several of my friends have asked me about it but this year I`ve given up on it so far because although it`s tradition they continue to leave me out of everything but expect me to do this for them. I don`t like to hold grudges but I`m hurt. I can honestly say that I only have one best friend. She`s been there for me since first grade and she genuinely cares about me no matter what. But outside of her I`m completely alone, people don`t give a shit about me and I`m hurt.

I didn`t plan on starting this post like that but by the end it`ll all make sense. My friend visited for her spring break which was just a week before mines and I didn`t know. I suddenly see a post on FaceBook saying she`s leaving and come visit before so and so. I leave a message in an attempt to visit and she never responded.  I feel really hurt that she visits and doesn`t even think to tell me about it because she was one of my best friends.

That day I rushed to get ready while my mother was out shopping. In the end I couldn`t make it in time because my mother came home too late. I was in the middle of doing my make up and almost gave up and washed everything away but something came over me. I felt so pathetic for always doing for others. I mean here I was breaking my neck to get ready for someone who didn`t even answer back. I decided to do something for myself. I decided to try banba make up for the very first time and this is how it came out:

I`m missing a lot of stuff and substituted what I didn`t have a lot I don`t care how bad my attempts are or if I never get good at make up. I don`t care about all the people pointing, staring, laughing and making petty comments. They`ve been doing it too me all my life so I have nothing to lose and happiness to gain.

I love Black Cherry. I want to feel like I belong somewhere but I can`t take being surrounded by people and shown kindness only to have it ripped away.

THIS IS FOR ME.

At a standstill....

I was determined to make this week my come back, however, Monday was the only day I was able to do my make up.  Somebody stole my favorite hat and possibly lost it so I tried to substitute for it by doing the mode gyaru turban. Unfortunately since I religiously avoid too many colors, the only scarf I had was a black one.

Anyway here it is:

I`m not very photogenic, so I only put up one. I think I did okay tying the turban but I really do wish I had a more colorful one. My make up isn`t anything special. I liked the shape but I still don`t have lashes down and I hated how flat my hair was. I wish I had more time but I was supposed to be cramming for a history test. All in all, I don`t think I`ll be doing a mode inspired look anytime soon.



Sorry about the poor quality



These are the contacts my mother let me have. They`re supposed to be grey but they look kind of blue to me. It looks pretty good here, you can only see my brown eyes a little. But they were horrible on my eyes in a lot of the pictures I didn`t put up. I`m sad they`re still not a perfect fit because I really like them.

I want to try circle lenses but people keep telling me my eye are HUGE already. When I was doing my make up they actually frustrated me. My whole face frustrated me but I think it was because it looked big because of my flat hair. >_<

A month has probably passed since I was supposed to get my contacts. I called the contact place and they ended up sending them through UPS and I got them within 2 days. Although the picture of my eye isn`t very good I think the Wet N'Wild creme liner and the NYC liquid liner work well together but I don`t think the NYC would be good alone except for lining the eyes alone.

I also broke down that piece of fur I found and got a foxtail.  I added the bow because the top is a little wild, I hope it looks better now. I`m not sure if it`s real and it seems to shed quite a bit because I always find hair on the clothes it`s near.

I failed at finishing my wig but I did make progress, The color has changed a little, the bangs are now black.

I hope it comes out well. I still haven`t attempted to finish the green nail set, nothing I have left motivates me enough. I haven`t been motivated to do a lot of things lately. I haven`t really been creating any new art, I haven`t been putting a lot of effort into my style outside of coords. I really just with I could sleep in all day and not be bothered.

Keep Japan in Your Prayers but don`t Forget to Pray for Peace and Safety in the Rest of the World as well....

Random creepiness, quick weave in progress and recent buys. (lolz I know I suck at titles)

Last time I rode the train downtown I made the horrible mistake of looking up at the worst time possible. I thought the man walking down the aisles was there to punch tickets and ended up locking eyes with a creeper. Being me I just smiled and turned my head to look out the window but this motherfucker was staring my ass down. He didn`t sit looking forward then casually look back. HE STARED facing me the whole fucking time!!!! I tried not to look back but he stared for a good 5 minutes so I gave him a few quick glances.

Finally he opened his mouth and all I hear is "Headphones." I just nodded and said "Yea I`m wearing my headphones so I can`t really hear you." I turned back to the window and he kept staring like he expected me to take them off to talk to him. Another 5 minutes of staring passes and he finally got up and went to another car. `m so glad he didn`t sit next to me and finally got the clue.

I decided to wear wigs that I make during the week and wigs that I buy for special occasions. This weekend I plan on finishing a wig I started late last weekend. I`ve been sticking to burgundy to be safe while I decide on colors but now I`m bored with it. My burgundy wig is a wreck too.

LOLZ NO MAKEUP!!!!! Can you tell one eye is bigger? (I know I have bags under my eyes) I cut the bangs in an effort to hide my bad skin at the beginning of the week.

What bad skin? This bad skin....

Disgusting I know but it`s there. I always struggle with my forehead. No matter how much I hide it I`m still insecure about it. The sad part is I`m always so close to clearing up my skin. This week I really was and one morning I woke up to that. It was a lot worst in person but it looks like it`s clearing up again. I also stopped using the Hollywood Beauty stuff and started using Extra Virgin Olive oil to replace my Vitamin E with my Nuetrogena cleansers.

lolz I got off topic... While I was debating on hair colors in January Lisha told me I should probably go for one of Cocona`s colors since my skin tone is fairly light.

 

 I can`t remember which shade though but I`m guessing close to the one above.

I also really like EVERYTHING about this girl.  (Who is she? Isn`t/ wasn`t she in Angeleek?) I want to pull off this hair but need longer extensions and better hair skills. I think this is the make up style of make up I want as well.

Back to my hair project. I used several other colors I found laying around the house but here is the main one.

I also used a really light just 27 towards the middle. I started running out of the mixed hair and had to save that color for the top. The hair in the picture below is an even darker color than the last one.

As you can see I start off with a mannequin head, a wig cap, a comb, scissors and Salon Pro hair glue. Then I glue my little heart out. Until I stopped right around here....

I`ve had some blonde in my hair before but only with brown too. Straight blonde really doesn`t seem to suit me.

 This next one is from back in Nov. when I tried to get another Gal`s hairstyle. Another mixture, blonde and burgundy.



Not exactly the same Her curls are really curls from heat My color was slightly off and it wasn`t anywhere near long enough because my mom did it in a rush and didn`t care about how long I wanted it since I`m not a paying client. I really enjoyed it and will probably get my hair done like this again only longer and thicker. RAWR!!!

Anyway I`ll be layering my wig with the really blonde hair then go back to the mixed hair. I have a lot to get done but hopefully I finish this weekend. I also want to work on that green nail set from awhile back.

Maybe I`m becoming a compulsive shopper: broke and still shopping. :'(

2 weeks have passed and I still haven`t been wearing makeup. I`m ready to start again though. Not having good liquid liner was my main issue. The last brand that I`m trying before going back to Revlon is NYC.

(Mines has gold lettering)

I also bought some of their mascara. I`ve been hearing some not so good things about the liner like it fades or it cracks. It was under $4 so I can`t complain.  I`m not going back to the store anytime soon so I`ll just test it myself.

I also bought Video Games on Ebay.

MY FAVORITE GAME EVER!!!!! Now to get 3. >=] My PS2 malfunctioned along with all my old games a few years ago now I`m replacing them all. I haven`t played any decent ones in a long time and I must admit I think not playing has made me stupid.

A new phone (Samsung Instinct)

This case for now.

While most of this stuff  has arrived safely and on time, my contacts still haven`t come. I`ve been up to Fed Ex so many times to pick them up and they still haven`t been transferred I`m going to go blind wearing the same old ones by the time they get here.

Black Cherry and the Bad Girls are trying to schedule a March Me2. LA just asked me to meet next weekend. My father wants me to come to Atlanta to visit him when all this is going on. When I heard about the Me2 I panicked because I know I`m broke. LA tells me it`s not about money to buy things and I know these Gals building up their closets but these Gals are Goddesses to me.

I know my make up skills are horrible and my skin isn`t helping right now. I want to shop for it so I can look somewhat decent. I know I can`t so I`ll have to attempt to customize things. I always put all my issues aside because I always miss the everyone so this time won`t be any different. I`m going to try and not let the money problems that have me crying all the time get in the way of being with them and I`m going to try to build my break around the Me2 even if that means not seeing my dad. We`ve been having a lot of issues anyway.

I almost cried because I was stressing over a computer for school but now I`m crying about how blessed I am when I found out my grandmothers saved up for the Macbook I need for school. So I know anythings possible and I have many surprise blessings ahead of me now. My mom is also going to start working from home so she`s offering me a job. Sadly I can only work Mondays due to my commuting. I`m supposed to learn how to drive as soon as spring really starts here. Maybe that will help.

MOTHERFUCKIN FEDEX AND MY MOTHERFUCKIN CONTACTS!!!!! *angry rant, sorry no pics*

I`m so tired of my eyes right now. Sometimes I just wish I could just get them zapped fixed, wear plano contacts and be happy. Since I started wearing contacts for prom last year I never want to go back to glasses again but getting the lenses I want hasn`t been easy. When I was looking at Contacts on 1-800-Contacts none of the colored lenses had the right BC for me. My BC is  8.40 and most of them were everything but that except for the clear lenses.

I didn`t want to change brands and have to adjust to much. The Acuvue color 2 contacts I looked at came in 8.30 or 8.70.  The Freshlook contact pretty much came in 8.60. So I decided to get the Green Acuvue ones (8.30). Those motherfuckers were floating all over my eye. So I called the place to let them know the BC was off and they offered to send me some more.I was so excited when I saw the box on the counter. When I opened it up why were the same exact contacts in there? I had to call again and the lady working there offered to call my optometrist and get permission to bump me up to 8.60 and he said no.

I was so tired that I just got my original plain ass clear contacts. when they arrived nobody at home answered the door. I tried to have them redelivered and FedEx is being too lazy to do it.  So today I went to go pick them up before school at a hidden ass Fedex and failed horribly. I called in to have them delivered to one I`m familiar with so let`s see how this goes...

Meanwhile my mom loaned  me a pair of her gray Freshlooks. I think they`re the 8.60 my optometrist denied me. They actually fit very well so maybe she`ll give me more. I really want to try circle lenses but after all the mess I`m going through with regular colored contacts I don`t even want to try it.

I still haven`t been wearing makeup but it`s more so because I need to replace my liquid eyeliner .The beauty supply one was very shitty. I`ll try it again because I feel like I messed up my progress by going on a make up hiatus  But I`m pretty sure it was the brand.

While I was sitting and waiting for my train this morning I practiced all of the parapara I sorta kinda know. I just subtly did the hand motions because I  know I`m horrible at them. But while I was practicing I was happier than I`ve been in awhile.

Inventory Check...It`s still never enough....

I`ve been going to several different local beauty supply stores not planning on buying a thing but I always fail terribly (as expected).

As I mentioned in my previous posts, my skin is horrible but I really needed a good moisturizer so I bought this....Is this the one? Well so far it`s not messing up my skin but I would prefer cocoa butter, olive oil and some pure vitamin E. 

I usually get break vitamin E tablets and mix them into whatever moisturizer I use but I ran out and the bottle I had was given to me so I don`t know where to buy them. So for now I take this and use a little around my eyes for extra moisture. I don`t know if it`s effective but it`s reassuring.

I`m also turning to of brands of makeup.

I think this little bottle is so cute. The silver piece at the top is eyeliner (it appears to be a creme stick). It`s also liquid eyeliner. I struggled to figure it out at first but when I twisted the bottom compartment under the white wave I found the liquid liner. I haven`t used it but I tested it on my hand and it looks promising.

I also bought white Sunny autoliner and lip liner for making thin lines in the waterline area.. The  container is really shiny so I couldn`t take a good picture. I was also looking for the really Jumbo liner that I see or hear some Gals mention in their video but there was only brown ones at the store. I think they were sold out of white.

I also found quite a few colors of hair  (pink, green, blue, bright red, purple, white or silver and I think I even saw orange). I want to make another wig because I can control how thick it is if I do it myself but I can`t choose which color(s). I want them all!!!  I want to mix and match to find the perfect combination but I can`t afford it right now so it looks like I`ll have to use what`s laying around here.

When we were at the store we were looking at wigs and the man behind the counter asked if we wanted to try them on. I didn`t want to get my hopes up because every wig I`ve ever tried on in stores didn`t fit me. Well the first one I tried there did and my mother surprised me and my sister and buying them for us.  They`re the same because my sister didn`t like any of the other colors. I haven`t taken mines out of the box yet so no pictures but it`s purple in the front and throughout with black but I`ll be putting up pictures as soon as I wear it. It has a nice Chinese bang too.

What surprises me even more is that my mom actually bought them because when I was talking about hair like this:

She kind of freaked out and told me I would look A HOT GHETTO ASS MESS!!!! (but then again I probably said two really crazy colors meant for manba XD)

This is my current wig:

Mom did really good on the closure, doesn`t look homemade does it? It`s the first one I made about 2+ months ago. I really love the color but the ends are getting really raggedy and I`m ready to move on.  When I` m done with is I`m just going to  recycle it  and really chop it up.

I finally replaced my angular eyeliner brush:

It`s really small but effective.

Some lashes I ordered off of Ebay also came:

I got 10 pair for under $10 and free glue. I don`t know how to apply lashes so I`ll be buying practice pairs until I use this one. I really like the glue, I think the stick might keep things a lot neater.

My purse:

The purse was a gift from my mom awhile back. I bought this kokeshi doll and didn`t really know what to do with it so I stuck it on my purse with this flower hairpin/broach and an broken old bracelet.

I also ran across this fur I mentioned in another post while going through my closet. (Please excuse my messy room)

I don`t think I`m actually ever where it like this but it has these two nice tails hanging from it so I was thinking of taking them off and wearing them like foxtails. They shed a lot and I`m not sure if it`s real or fake.

What should I do?

This week I still haven`t been wearing makeup, I`m just collecting it. I`ve been dressing really well and it makes me want to wear makeup so bad but my minds all over the place lately. I miss B*C. I have so much homework and never enough time. Before I go to sleep I tell myself I`ll wake up earlier and do it but In the morning I`m waking up less than an hour before I leave the house and barely have enough time to even straighten my hair. I look around my classroom at all the hipsters and think These kids don`t give a shit about me so there`s nobody here to impress but at the end of the day I know it`s not about them it`s about me and right now I feel like a bum and I`m ready to get back on track.