Eye Problems...

While I was shopping with my cousin a few weeks ago my bear hat got a lot of attention at the mall and while we stopped to get something to drink the man who worked behind the counter kept looking at me. I avoided eye contact until I couldn`t take it anymore and finally just stared back. He finally broke the silence with "Oh you wear your hair over your eye like that, the other one will get bigger."  I just smiled but when I got home I was pretty freaked out (even though I just thought it was  just some old superstition).

I wanted my mom to give me a Chinese bang but I realized that during the  whole month+ that I` ve been waking up and doing my makeup I was really half-assing it. Every morning I leave the house at 7:10am and wake up at 6 am (or later) so I was only doing one eye and hiding the other one under my long swoop bang (my signature hairstyle since I started wearing my hair down for years). I didn`t go back to do the other eye or anything because I`m afraid to do my make up outside my house. (silly I know but I mess up my face, whatever surface I`m working on and just about everything else in the area).

One day I decided to go to my grandmother`s house in the morning so I could have more time to get ready and I did both eyes. No matter how much I tampered with my make up something didn`t seem quite right so I asked my grandma if my make up was even and guess what she said..." I don`t think it`s the make up...One of your eyes is just bigger than the other one." @#@$!$!@$#!!!!! I didn`t even want to go outside, let alone school. I couldn`t stay out of the mirror for the rest of the day.

It`s true one is significantly larger than the other. I try to tell myself it could be worst and look at things that are worst to reassure myself but I STILL FEEL SO FUCKING UGLY!!!!!! I`ve never noticed my eyes being that way before so this week I decided to not to wear makeup to see if my eyes were irritated by it and I also started wearing my hair out of my face since that man`s input still haunts me.

No make up vs makeup...I know my skin is still pretty yucky...

It makes sense now. Maybe I was straining one eye by using it too much and the other didn`t develop because it was covered. I really don`t know. My mom thinks they look better but now I`m too paranoid to even tell and looking up causes didn`t really make it better.

This problem and not wearing make up has me wondering if I really even like my face. I`m not sure how other girls who wear make up feel about their face without it. I don`t even know if they even care about their face as long as they wear make up. I know my face isn`t perfect,  I`ve never felt like I was even near being pretty but I do care about my face. Maybe I`m just a problem child...

Odd One Out

I admit I lurk on Gal comms even though I don`t officially consider myself Gal and this secret really stood out to me.

When I`m around girls who are Gal, I don`t feel even feel like a girl.  I feel like everyone`s shadow.  When they`re talking my confidence issues keep me from contributing. I end up back in my own little world wondering why I keep showing up and often question if they even want me around. I`m not going to quit working on myself but I hope to get over these feelings soon so I can progress.

Life in general, favorite eyeliners and stuff to come...

School has been pretty stressful, my skin was perfect towards the end of break and broke out immediately after going back (it`s clearing up and breaking out all the time now) . It`s been less than a month and the teachers have been talking more than teaching.  I`m completely lost and I`ve been teaching myself how to use computer programs and stuff. I`m not looking forward to the end of the semester at all.

I`ve never been fully equipped with all  the make up I need and now that I`m almost out I`m reminded of when I first really started buying makeup and of how I bought all the wrong things.  I only got gloss, lashes and eyeliner (liquid and creme) right. I bought the wrong foundation, the wrong eyelash glue (individual instead of upper lash) and  a lot of other things I`m too tired to recall.

I did find my mom`s eyelash glue and no matter how many tutorials I watch or how many times I try I always glue them on wrong. I try to start close to my lash line from the center and the lash ends up somewhere completely different and there`s glue everywhere. I tried to cover the lash band with eyeliner when I almost got it but it didn`t work out so now I still look emo. ;.;

 My current favorites:

I was actually very scared to use this. I bought it in the summer, just started using it a few weeks ago and I LOVE IT, Can`t live without it. It`s very inexpensive, under $5 I believe but it`s also amazing. I lost the little brush just when I got the hang of it so I`ve been using q-tips. I need new brush badly.



Another favorite. I need some more. It`s kind of expensive for me since I`m not working but I`m sticking with  it because when I switched brands the other liner was too watery to even use.

 I think I`m another step closer to being ready to commit to being Gal but I`m not sure if I`m ready for a circle and I`m definitely not interested in the part of the community that bashes each other because I want to do everything on my own terms.  I can`t live without makeup, I don`t even go out without doing it anymore and I haven`t been slacking on my clothes.  I still need to learn how to do more with hair (speaking of which I need to work on another wig) and I also need to learn how to do more with make up.

I just don`t have the money and it`s getting pretty stressful thinking about what will happen once I run out. I didn`t have to worry about money for the 1st year of school because my family took care of it but pretty soon I`ll be on my own and I just can`t imagine it. Growing up is seriously scary. I hear people saying finding a job is impossible now. I don`t have any skills since I`ve never worked a day in my life outside of housework but I hope I find a steady job over the summer.

I learned Distance in your love. I`m not very good at para-paraing and I`m not confident enough to do it in public yet but I`m learning. I save the videos on my cell and watch them while I`m out or on the train and I practice almost everyday at home.

 I`m trying my hardest I just wish I had more time. So far school is taking over again. I`m doing homework or in class from 8pm-4:00pm while on campus. I SLEEP A LOT when I`m not in classes. I fall asleep in the car, on the train and as soon as I get home I`m down. Then Im pissed because I wake up confused at how fast time flew by and how much homework I have to get done. Then I`m out again. That`s my schedule Tues-Fri and soon to be Monday.

I hope things get better...

Late B-day post and funny chicago weather...

My Birthday was the Jan 30th and my grandma surprised me ahead of time with a necklace and a cute fur vest. I didn`t feel like having a sleepover with my girls this year since everyone`s so far apart because of college so I just went out to eat yummy Thai noodles and drink delicious strawberry Daiquiris with my mom (mines was virgin of course,  I can`t take alcohol.

I took a few pics and I really wish I could put them up but I took them on her phone and it won`t let me send them to my email ) The mall was next door so we looked for a piercing place so I could get my nose done. Unfortunately, we didn`t find one but we did find a cute little store and I bought a few little things to add to my closet. The week after my cousin took me birthday shopping again and bought me a few cute tops and a fur coat. I felt so loved.



From Grandma



From my cousin



 





The guy who took me out awhile back surprised me with the last two. I was looking at them when we were in the store awhile ago and he remembered. When we got to his house he told me to get something out of the backseat and when I looked back there I felt stupid for not noticing they were there the whole time. >.< He also got me some chocolate...so sweet.<3

I`m finally a little satisfied with my closet. Now that I`m trying to build up on Gal clothes I pretty much hate more than half of my closet full of clothes I didn`t really wear.  I`ll be sad when winter comes because I won`t be able to wear my fur anymore but then again Chicago weather is tricky. Speaking of which we had a MAJOR snowstorm. The whole city was pretty much closed down. I didn`t even go outside. Here are some pics my friends took from Facebook.

I love flipping through the ones with the chairs like a picture book XD.